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Virgin Toy

Authored by : Salina Shrestha

I was happy once,
Happy go lucky person,
But today, I am apart with the pain I never thought I would be
Crying inside with the heavy heart and smile on my face, that doesn’t even suit me anymore
The word glory, happy, satisfied
Its deep down and its root kept right there
Everytime I try to pull it up
It pains, it aches, it hurts
It hurts as if I am taking out skin from my body
The nerves coming out
You can fell the pain right ?
That’s the exact pain I felt 2 years ago in that dark red room

Where every faces tried to see the layers of me tearing me apart inner and out
With a heavy heart I breathe, I breathe a while
Trying to forget that evil face, I close my eyes and it just passes by
A black shadow, screaming at me to tear myself and that’s the last chills i felt
The chills got locked in that red room
A part of me is far away today locked in that red room
The soul i say is not in my body
The air i breath dosent go inside me
I just stand , stand numb , screaming from the inner voice
Rooted deep , heard only by me
No one else , no one else
Yes , yes i am not loving the way i am right now
But i am more scared with the outer world
Thats right there , right there in front of me
Seeing me with its ruthless eyes to grab me and push me to the corners again like the two years ago that bloody night which flowed from my vagina
And thats the last scream i ever did
And that again day when the scream was heard only by me
That day, i just not lost the word virgin from me
i lost my faith
My hope
And got down on knees with the word humanity
I havent seen the light its hidden behind the curtain in my room
The dusty varandas door locked since then has all junk over it
And my hands shakes to open it
As i see the door i see the back shadow coming in one by one and ripping off my jeans and tshirt
and i just pull myself from the light
And i remeber the time when i woke up fast just to see those beautiful sun rise

Its been a while that i havent even seen a mirror too
As in the verge of forgetting i see the stich on my forhead turning into a scar which can never be removed
And i feel that black shadow did it on purpose to make me remember the bang on my head so hard in that red room and my red blood seen only by me that day and only by me now

(This Poem is the winning Poem of the Poetry Challenge organized by Leo Club of Kathmandu Chabahil, District 325 A2 Nepal, under 7 day 7 activities challenge conducted from 4th April to 10th April 2020)

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